Again I have to force my way into my things to find this log. I have not written in a long long while. It ... feels weird to write again and I'm not entirely sure where to pick up.
The new year has started and I have been battling with Noisserped... Winning a battle one day at a time to keep my heart from freezing. Clinging to the promises of the King and his Son for my very life. It seems to me this is the truly cruelest trick of the enemy... to get us alone and stew us up in webs of self-doubt. It feels like I have been battling my way through the dark lair of some menacing doubt. Mainly I guess because Noisserped still has his hooks so deeply embedded in my heart that when I am alone, as I am so often, I can't do anything without that pain so deep in my being. I even once again thought of trying to return home without being called. I still have too many warriors, too many friends who would need me or want me... I hope they would miss me.
Still I am fighting the lie that giving up is the way. Procrastination has never really worked for me. I don't think it has worked for anyone. And though I have had several confrontations with Onrop closely followed by the bastard Noisserped, the King chooses to bless me. Even in my darkest hour I had a light brought to me in the form of Artep and some comforting words... She sent me a message, several indeed, by the quick messenger rather than just the new roads. She wrote to me, she waited for me to become available and then spoke... I don't know if she will ever know, but I think that was when Noisserped had me pinned but form some way or some providence of the King I found myself using the quick messenger. Artep was a comfort to me and for that I must praise the King! I know I loved her and Noisserped never ceases to remind me that I cannot have her, to hold or care for. That she is not mine. That perhaps I will never have someone to hold or have someone who cares about me for me. Taunting me by the people I care about who have people of their own... something I seem perpetually kept from. The bastard Noisserped reminds me of the soft touch of her hand... the tight embrace that was so fleeting in a hug... the missed opportunity to kiss. I have never kissed a woman. I never plan to until I meet someone serious. But Noisserped tells me that maybe that is why I will never find a mate who will stay. Am I not serious enough? This battle rages on forever. My voice. He uses my own voice to speak to me. So that when I am surrounded by people or even fellow warriors their voices don't speak to me, only his remains after our time together. There is only one other voice that I have held onto for longer or with more determination, and for this voice I believe I owe my life, my King's voice.
My parents bought me a book. A book of reminders based upon stories old and new. Stories of the like that I would like to tell, but reminders of the King. I thought it was just about the stories, but after reading a bit I think it is the reminders that keep me reading it the same. And for as short as each message is, each one finds a place to hit in my heart... take hope, trust, brave the storm, have faith, He will not leave me alone... It is a silly small book, but it is helping I think. I haven’t been able to read the book from the King, but this book or reminders I haven’t been able to put down.
I was so worried that when my roommates got back they would see my mess and scold me, like I was some under-mannered child who had made our place horrid in their eyes. I made plans to clean and to make things right. It didn't matter to me that I had helped pay the Landowner or the other debts we owed as a group... that was just something I could do. I feared what I did not do would damn me. Still as I reminded myself over and over again I could feel the lethargy of Noisserped take hold of me stronger and stronger. It was only on the day before Kord came back that I managed to clean a little. And Kord came back early indeed. I expected M'dda back first or maybe Y'bliph, because Kord had the farthest to go to return here after the winter break from schooling. Still it was a blessing of the King for Kord and I share many things in common and together we cleaned and prepared for the arrival of M'dda and for the beginning of the year. Etan was a good friend but was not able to spend time with me because he had to be with family, which I understood. I had only a few weeks before spent my short time with my family and friends to celebrate the birth of the King's Son with us. Still I missed my time with him. It seemed to me he would understand my problems with Noisserped, for once we talked and understood that we both fought the same villain at different times.
There was not much time for me to work at the parcel service. Most of the packages were shipped before the time before the celebration of the King's Son's birth. Though many celebrated more the packages and presents rather than the King's Son, there were still many of my friends and fellow warriors who remember. I didn't ask much time off from work because the people are strict on attendance there and I didn't know what would happen if I asked for too many days, but on the other hand I needed to ask for some time. I think it was in the back of my head that I needed to save the days I had off.
It has just now happened that I needed those very days that I was saving. My parents, specifically my mom has a meeting with colleges in a far off land called A'nozira. It is a very different land from Nagichim where I have lived most of my life. It is warm most of the time and very dry, A'nozira that is. Also there are many storytellers getting work there. At least I hope so. There is a school there where I may earn my last degree for storytelling schooling. I have no money left and my parents have spent too much on me already, but if the King leads then it is possible. But besides my needs or wants my father is ... has been sick. Very sick. He is going to the doctor Thursday to be operated on. It is not major, my mom tells me, but it worries me that my father is in soo much pain all the time. It has been said that the weather, specifically the humidity of the air in Nagichim, worsens his condition. Moving to A'nozira or somewhere similar may ease his pain. It won't take it away, only going back to the King will do that, but I don't want him to go. I haven’t even told him how much he means to me. Still all this is a long way of putting that when I asked for a whole week away from work so I could go to A'nozira with my parents and spend some time alone with my father... I was more than a little anxious. The Steward of my shift assures me that I have the time... though I have no confirmation otherwise. Still as my little book of reminders reminds me I will trust in the planning of the King. No matter how much my heart chooses to be pulled and prodded by Noisserped's implanted doubts.
I spent the celebration of the New Year with Ae Van and Artep and Artep's family and Kir (a friend and fellow warrior). We played a few games and had fun. I showed off my prized gift from my parents of a light drawing box. this box of light lets me capture many moments and put them into my book of power directly. My parents have spoiled me in the past year, but it was interesting to spend time with Artep before she went back to her school. Ae Van was also a good friend to be with at that time. I'm not sure what I would have done coming back to the house that was silent here, if I had not had that special time with these friends. I felt like I really entertained the messengers of the king that night. Perhaps with what a fool I had been and perhaps, just perhaps as a true servant and as someone who delights in even the little light the King sends through all his many servants.
Ae Van had a party early this year with Kir and I, I also brought Kord. Ae and Kord had met briefly before, but it was good to have them meet again. Two parts of my life became a little less separated...
N'ybor is here now with M'dda, they are both still in love with each other. I forecast nothing else for them... I guess it is just hard to look at others feeling so great near each other when I have no one to hold in return or in reply. I miss Artep, I miss Sitham, I miss love. Love hurts, and I came to Sub'lumco in O'ih with a broken heart, but the King has taken me on many adventures and brought me many joys. I met many people from school who sparked my interest and a couple who twinkled as an angel like Artep if only for a little while. Nair'lo is the most recent incarnation of infatuation for me. I think it is good to be an older brother for a while to her, but I cannot deny that she is pretty to me. She has fun with Kord, M'dda, Y'bliph and the rest of our group from our school, but I never get a chance to talk to her... at least not much. Still I don't make time to talk to anyone... or at least I haven’t so far. I haven’t even talked with Rol'tay in forever and he was close to me when my heart began breaking over Sitham.
I am at a crossroads I think. I don't know where the King will lead me... will I take the high road (probably not) but if I take the low road will I meet the second lady of stone the one I look for? or have I already taken the low road and now I need to find the special place where I will find one that the King has reserved for me? I am a sentimental fool I know. I long for romance even when such is inappropriate. But my heart has been stretched and my arms are strong now. I have been forced work so. May the King lead me ever on, I am ready, send me.
Until I may find the next insight (or sooner)
Fair travel and safe lodging to all
and to you: may the blessings of the King be ever with you.
Gby,
Kroy
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